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Come on, baby, light my fire

I feel physically sick right now.

A few weeks ago, Carl convinced himself that I was pregnant. I was about two weeks from my period. But he was so convinced, that I started to believe it too. I panicked. I took my birth control ring out last Sunday at his request. Usually my period won't start for a couple days after I remove the ring. It's normal. By Wednesday, I still hadn't started my period, and I completely panicked. That night I went out any bought a pregnancy test. I tested myself the next morning, and it said I wasn't pregnant. I was relieved. I started bleeding that night. So, I'm not pregnant, which is awesome. But Carl has decided to not have sex with me again until he's ready to have kids. This depresses me like you would not believe. Sex means something to me. It's not just about the pleasure (though, I frankly have never gotten much out of it). It sounds kinda dumb, but it's me showing him how much I love him. His plan is to have blowjobs and cunnilingus until he's ready to have kids. I've grown out of hating giving blowjobs to not minding them all that much. But still, they are not everyday, every week, or even every month affairs. And getting eaten out feels amazing, but I don't want it all the time. It ruins the specialness of it. I want to make love to Carl. But now I can't. I don't know what this means for us. I love him, and I can't imagine life without him. We have something amazing, or at least we did. I'm scared, and there's nothing I can do to change anything. I've spent hundreds of dollars on birth control, and I'm so pissed that he doesn't trust me to let him know when there might be cause for alarm. I'm upset; I'm pissed; and I've been crying over this. I hate that he told me we weren't having sex, and didn't even ask me what I thought or proposed this as an option. No. I get "I'm not having sex with you anymore until I'm ready to have a child." Fuck you, Carl. That's ridiculous. There are options before abstinence. There are options that you talk to me about. Carl, I love you. Stop hurting me like this.


Your rainbow is slightly shaded red.


What is says about you: You are a passionate person. You appreciate energetic people. You get bored easily and want friends who will keep up with you.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.


Once upon a dream

Maybe a month or more ago, I found online a Dr. Tran bobble head doll. And omg did I want it. I showed it to Carl, and he said it was stupid. "Why would you spend ten dollars on a bobble head?" He told me I wasn't allowed to buy it, which made me sad, but it was okay because I didn't have any money to pay for it anyway. But still I thought about it for a while. I wanted it. And I was going to get it behind Carl's back if I had to. I just had to wait to get money. But after a while I completely forgot about it.

After coming back here from Georgetown a couple weeks ago, Carl told me that he had a present for me, but I would have to wait for it. Okay. That's nice. Every once and a while I thought about what it could be, but mostly didn't worry. Then when he came back last week and gave me a white lace thong, I was like "omg. You've got to be kidding me." I've never liked thongs. I thought they were weird and awkward. I tried one at Brown, but it didn't fit well, and since then I've pretty much hated them. Besides, it makes me paranoid that my butt wouldn't be clean enough. But for Carl, I tried it. And you know what? Not all that bad. And the next day I went underwear shopping with Ellen and Jocelyn and bought maybe eight or nine more. Carl's reaction makes it worth while.

But Tuesday night when he picked me up to stay the night at his house, he asked me if I remember him telling me that he got me a present. Well, yes, I did remember him telling me that, but I thought the present was the thong. Apparently not. When we got to his room, he set me on his bed and made me hold out my hands and close my eyes. Now I'm expecting maybe a panda plushie or for him to surprise me with a kiss or something. So when I felt a heavy box in my hands I was fairly confused and more than a little scared of what this might be. I opened my eyes and saw the Dr. Tran bobble head that I had more or less flipped a shit over earlier in the summer. I couldn't help grinning like an idiot.

He said it could be used as leverage if we have another fight. We've had two in the past week, which makes me very unhappy. Last Tuesday I was so happy because the next day Carl would be coming home. As long as I got through the day, I would get to see Carl on Wednesday. After getting home from work and hanging out with Matthew some, I get a text from Carl. It said that the plan had changed and he wouldn't be home until Thursday. My heart sunk. I was so sad, but it was only one more day, so I could get through it. Carl sent me sweet texts telling me not to be sad, but I really couldn't help it. I had had a high all day from the excitement of seeing him the next day, and it all came crashing down. I couldn't not be sad. It was fine, though. I would get over it. And later that night I was mostly okay. Still pretty disappointed, but okay. Until he sent me another text saying that he wasn't going to be back until Friday. I'm not gonna lie: I lost it. I started crying, and I was just so upset. I was so upset I sent Carl a nasty text that said "Let me know when you decide to come back." After not hearing from him for a few minutes, I had calmed down and felt really guilty, so I told him that I was sorry. "For what?" he asked. I told him that my previous text had been meant to be really nasty even if he didn't perceive it that way. He called me, but I didn't pick up because I was still a little choked up, and I didn't want him to hear me cry. But that made him mad. He was mad at me for being mad at him for something he couldn't change. But we did work everything out before we went to bed.

I think the reason for my breakdown was my current hormonal imbalance. I started birth control the Sunday before, and I've never had any artificial hormones in my body before. It was a rough adjustment. And it still is.

This past Sunday, Carl and I went to the fair together, which was awesome. It was probably the best fair experience I've had in recent times. We saw the butter cow and rode the sky ride, and I won Rock Band drumsticks at the Rock Band booth. It was loads of fun. While we were there, we saw an advertisement for a roast beef sundae, which sounded really gross to me. Carl said that roast beef and mashed potatoes sounded really good, which made me think of the amazingly good hot roast beef sandwiches at The Dube, a restaurant on campus. I got all excited and suggested we go there for dinner. And the rest of the day I was pretty much really looking forward to a hot roast beef sandwich with fries all covered in gravy. We left the fair and went to Carl's, right down the street from The Dube. It was early in the day still, around three, so we watched some episodes of West Wing. Around four I was hungry, but we watched more West Wing. Around six, Carl said that it was about time for me to go home, and my heart just kinda sank. I was really hungry, and I had been looking forward to The Dube for several hours, and he sends me home. After getting home, my stomach threw a fit. It was beyond being hungry to the point when food sounds disgusting. Eventually my mom made me some ramen, and I ate some raspberries, but I still was disappointed about not going to The Dube.

Carl got mad at me again on Monday because I refused to stick by his prescribed diet plan for me. I was sick of him saying that I couldn't have kisses until I worked out or did whatever it was he wanted me to do. Sure, his plan was good, and I appreciate all the work he put into helping me be healthy. However, I just want my boyfriend to be my boyfriend and not my coach. He thought I was giving up on my diet, though. So after going to the Chocolate Cafe with Ellen, Nate, and Sarah and hanging out at Half Price Books, Carl dropped me off at home and went back to his house to play Bioshock, which made me mad. It wasn't that he wanted to go be alone; it was that he wanted to do that on pretty much the last day I'd be able to see him before he went home. My mom and I took a long walk and talked about my hormones and the fight with Carl that day, and I felt better. I was still mad, but I felt better. And so, because I'm weak and hate fighting, I texted Carl. I wasn't going to. I was going to let him sulk. I almost wanted him to not see me that night and make him regret it. But really that probably would have been more harmful to me. We did end up seeing each other that night. We went to China Way and Rita's, and it was fantastic.

The good thing about our recent fights is that we make up quickly. It may take a few hours of stewing, but we work it out. I'm really confident about us in the long run. I just hope Carl is too. His family seems to like me (his dad always kisses my cheek goodbye), and I know for sure that his friends like me (at least the majority of them). My family loves him...except Matthew. Matthew has been trouble. I don't know why he doesn't like Carl, but his attitude has made Carl not want to be around Matthew, and pretty much not like Matthew. I don't blame Carl for it at all. Matthew has been a complete ass, and really obnoxious. He always says, "Why is he here?" when Carl is over, and after Carl's been over for a while, he says, "I think it's time for Carl to go." Matthew has since promised to be nice, but I haven't yet had the opportunity to test if he really will be or not. I just really hate that they aren't getting along. It's really upsetting because they're both so important to me. Right now I'm mad at Matthew for this. He hasn't been particularly nice to me either recently, so I say, "Suck it up, Matthew."

Get down tonight

Things are complicated. Not terribly so, but enough to make me go “meh.”

Yesterday was fairly huge for Carl. It was when we were going to go see the midnight showing of The Dark Knight. I went straight from work when I got off to Carl’s house. We had a couple hours to kill before leaving to go to Lennox. I laid in Carl’s bed while he played Age of Empires for a little bit. I was tired, and I had been cramping and feeling terribly ill the whole walk over to his place, so when Carl finished his game and asked if I wanted to have sex, I refused. He tried for a bit to change my mind, but when he finally saw how tired I was, he gave up. However, he still laid in bed with me and cuddled while I took a nap. At one point I was kind of awake and heard him texting someone. I ignored it until he gently covered my ear with his hand, and I heard my phone on the nightstand vibrate. The message he sent me went like this: “My love for you is vast and undying. I love you, Megan. ” I didn’t actually get this text for a little while because I was trying to play it off as if I didn’t know he had sent me something. But it was very sweet, and it made me incredibly happy.

What happened after the movie, however, requires some back story. Sometime in January, I think, Carl revealed to me how much he liked this girl named Jackie. He had liked her since freshman year, and was completely smitten. So because Alex and I were dating, and I wanted some excuse to not spend so much time with Carl, I tried to get him to ask her out. I encouraged him, and really, honestly tried to get him to make a move with her, even though I wasn’t going to be happy about it in the end. It seemed fairly obvious that she didn’t really like him as anything more than a friend, if that much, but I kept pushing him to try. I wanted him to be happy. But it was mostly selfish of me to keep forcing him to talk to her. Eventually, he wrote her a note and left it in her bedroom during a party. They sort of half-planned to see a movie together, but when it became clear that she wasn’t at all interested, Carl broke it off.

So when Carl told me a week or so ago that when he went to her house to pick up a check (her brother is living with him next year) and saw her that he felt nothing, I was really quite happy about that. But last night, after the movie, after we had had sex, he told me that when he saw her at the theatre, he couldn’t say that he felt nothing. And honestly, my heart kinda dropped at that. I know he wouldn’t risk losing me, and he assured me of that too. He said his mind just fills with what-ifs. I know he’s happy with me, and he even said that he knows he would never be as happy with Jackie as with me. But still. It’s not something you really want to hear, even though it’s all about being honest.

So my question is, especially for all my Spelunkers, how honest is too honest with your significant other? When is it that things are best left unsaid?


Can't Help Falling in Love

I really have to start at the beginning of this whole recent trauma in my life. And that beginning is the very end of my junior year of high school. Oh, high school.

I was just a normal girl. Nothing particularly special about me in any way. I wasn’t part of the in group of people. No one, I don’t think, really knew my name outside of the people I knew. I had a good amount of friends, but my closest friend was Jenna. We were always paired. When someone thought of one of us, in the next second they thought of the other one.

We had started playing Ragnarok Online, a MMORPG with cutsie characters and monsters. One night after Jenna had gone to bed, I continued playing. My character was wearing green antennae. Another player ran past me and asked if I was a character from Dragonball Z. And that was the beginning of my relationship with Brandon Bomar.

That evening he asked if I would be his girlfriend, and I said yes. But of course I never thought I would talk to him again, so what was the harm in being his girlfriend. But things quickly got more serious. Two days after being his girlfriend and talking about every second I was online, he asked me if it was okay if he loved me. I said that sure, it was okay. I can't control people's feelings.

Things progressed very quickly, and soon I fell in love with him too. He changed me too. He made me want to be pretty. He made me start wanting to look nice. He told me I was beautiful, and I wanted to live up to that. This was entirely new for me. Everything I was feeling at that time was confusing and hard to understand.

Two weeks after we started dating, he told me that he wanted to marry me. Then he actually asked if I would marry him. I was so overwhelmed and stupidly in love that I could say nothing other than yes. But as soon as the next morning I started panicking and regretting my acceptance. I remember that Jocelyn's mom talked to me about my engagement. She told me how she didn't believe it and how she thought I was more sensible than that. I was more sensible than that, and two days later I broke it off. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. Brandon and I, however, were still together.

It was around that time too that Bryan Naber told me that he was in love with me. Bryan was Brandon's friend's ex-boyfriend who Brandon had introduced to me. Complicated, yes. Bryan was a good friend and helped console me when I broke off my engagement. He was the person who was always there to help me out and talk through my problems with me.

That summer, though, I went to Brown University for a summer course on fiction writing. It was one of the happiest summers of my life.

Lollipop, lollipop

These last three months have been the hardest of my life, without exception. And I think it's time to be frank with everyone about what's going on. Over the next couple days (weeks, months?) I plan to post every day about my life. Nothing will be fabricated or exaggerated. It is all (fortunately or not) very real.

As some of you may know (but most of you very much do not) on Friday morning I aborted my pregnancy with my boyfriend of three years while both of us were dating other people. Now that you know the end of the story, I'll tell you how I got there.


Was I a fool to not react?

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll respond via comments. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on yaoi, favorite type of underwear, graphic techniques, etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other!

Because everyone else is doing it. SHEEP!


Don't forget you are my darling

I know some of you have done this before, but I'm doing it again so I can compare them and see how I've changed, if at all.

Nohari Window

Johari Window

Basically, pick either five or six adjectives that you think describe me then type in your name at the bottom. Then you will be able to see what other people have said about me and what I think about myself. It's really interesting.


Hang me in rags

83% Mike Gravel
83% Dennis Kucinich
80% John Edwards
80% Barack Obama
79% Joe Biden
78% Chris Dodd
75% Hillary Clinton
75% Bill Richardson
46% Rudy Giuliani
38% John McCain
32% Mike Huckabee
30% Mitt Romney
27% Ron Paul
20% Fred Thompson
18% Tom Tancredo

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz